My cage

This is a short story I wrote a while ago. It goes hand in hand with my last post, “The List.” This story came about as I watched so many of the people I know live in their metaphorical cage. I wondered what could unlock the cage they’re in.  And well, this was the result.

My Cage: Part 1

Life. An adventure. So much excitement!

Scared. Fear. The first bar goes up.

Positivity. Perspective. It’s going to be ok.

New chances. Changes. Hope. Something goes wrong. You knew it was too good to be true. Another bar.

Friends. Trust. Unfulfilled promises. Doubt. More bars.

Family. Love. Maybe….. Nope. More bars.

Mistakes. Shame. Can’t get over it. Try to. Act as you have. You can’t seem to forgive yourself or others. Secretly bars are being put in place.

Judging. Why? Wounds that cut deep. You add the lock. You turn the key.

Part 2

Looking out of the window I remind myself I’ll still be able to see. The thought crosses my mind; Impute of hurting others will be spared for me. Perhaps it’s more than that. Yes, indeed it is. I won’t be able to hurt others. And they won’t be able to hurt me!

I sit in the cage of my own making. It was labor-intensive and painstaking.

But oh how it sets me free! Free from the sadness of being betrayed. Free from genuine promises that really are lies in disguise. I’m free from wondering who to believe. Free from being wounded by judgmental stares. Free from cares.

No longer do I have to worry about others, their opinions, if they love me. No longer must I carry the weight or the power of making someone happy. I no longer must I carry the shame and guilt that comes from wounding them. No longer must I fear being betrayed or unappreciated.

Bliss! Bliss! For a while, this is bliss to me.

My Cage: Part 3

Then the tediousness of living this way hits me. No connections are allowed to be made. I’m lonely. I’m bored. People will come to the window and talk to me. The stories they’re sharing, the memories they’re carrying, once that was me. I want to reach out. I want to connect.

No, I tell myself. People only seem nice. Really they are mean. I remember all those who hurt me.

But if I could get rid of the fear I argue with myself, if I could forgive my mistakes and others…

I jerk myself back to reality. It’s a trap that is set. But I know better than to fall for it. I won’t give in. There’s too much pain in connecting with others; there is too much pain in that way of living. There are too much uncertainty and too much fear. Though sometimes tempting, I will not leave. I repeat to myself, Trust is not a principle in which you believe.

I look around. This cage has been good to me. It has been good for others. I haven’t been the cause of pain.

Part 4

The next day I get an unexpected visitor. I listen as a little whisper comes through the window. In a pleading tone, I’m addressed. “Please”, the small voice says. “Please won’t you come out? We miss you. We don’t remember who you are. How are we supposed to get to know you through those bars?”

My heart begs me to comply. Tears start to well up in my eyes. What is wrong with me? My voice is shaky, I try to even it out. But to no avail. I take a deep breath. I sigh. Still, there is no relief. Why am I suddenly filled with grief? I must explain.

“Child”, I say. A sniffled yes comes in response. Was this kid actually crying for me? The thought touches my aching heart. I take another sigh, I must continue on. “I’m sorry. But this is my home. It’s all I know. I’m safe from harm. I like it here.” A baffling reply, a demand confronts me. The child says, “Promise me.”

The words should have come easily. They should have already been on the tip of my tongue. But they caught in my throat.

Minutes past, the child is still waiting. Abruptly in a loud clear tone, “I promise!” left my lips.

From the shadow across the wall, I see a hung head, slouched shoulders, and the final blow is delivered.

“If you ever change your mind….” begins this precious sweet soul. But I could not hear the rest. The child had begun to sob and quickly ran past.

My Cage: Part 5

My heart ached. Head throbbed. Something was wrong. Understanding flooded through my mind. I had broken the child’s heart. I had done nothing. Yet I must have done something. This cage was supposed to protect people from being attached to me, from being the cause of harm. It was supposed to protect me from being hurt. Yet I was terribly hurt.

And for the first time, I questioned my choice.

I hurt someone. How can that be? I’m wounded, but why?

More questions came. How much have I missed? How much of myself am I not sharing? Do others know me? Of course, they don’t know me. I’ve hidden most of me. What am I missing by not caring?

A new perspective was given to me.

Part 6

Maybe loving someone, letting them love you too, is worth the risk. What if the pain is so we understand joy? What if the hurt is so we know love; so we know how to forgive? What if fear is so we can be courageous? If we make mistakes so we can learn? What if others judging us are so we can be compassionate? If promises we make and can’t keep are to teach us how to restrain ourselves? What would all this mean?

As if a book fell on my head, the answer came. It would mean I can’t stop others from loving me. I can’t blame myself for all the hurt I come in contact to. I would mean I’ve been feeding myself lies. It means I’ve had the wrong perspective about life. Would mean all those bad things have a purpose, have a positive side. It would mean this cage had been a self-inflicted prison.

No this was not bliss! Where was the key? It was time to truly set myself free!

My Cage: Part 7

I searched long and hard when I found the vital thing in my pocket. I roll my eyes, silly me.

In goes the key to the lock covered with rust. One more fear plagues me. What if I’m wrong?

No! I will not let fear control me again. My resolve to leave grows stronger every second. I turn the key, kick the door open; I’m free!

Say thank you to the child, I chide myself.

Running briskly I try to find that sweet precious soul who opened my eyes. There, sitting on the grass I find her.

Her eyes as wide as saucers she exclaims, “You came! You came!” She jumps in my arms and hugs me tight. A single tear of gratitude falls from my eye. Then pulling back I see a look of confusion in her beautiful, lovely blue eyes. Her question was so gentle, so kind. “What made you change your mind?”

Part 8

A smile stole across my face. “You did my dear. Teaching me to forgive rather than to hold grudges. You taught me the power of caring. Helped me see life is for the taking. You taught me to have courage and to try. Taught me to not beat myself up because we all make mistakes. You taught me how to love myself and others. No matter if we do get hurt. You taught me to trust. But most of all you helped me understand that there is a reason for the seemingly bad things that happen to us. And if we chose to see, they are actually good things. Thank you so much for loving me.”

Her blue eyes were glistening, this time with happy tears. Furiously she whispers, “I love you so. Thank you for coming out of that cage.”

My Cage: Part 9

If you have a cage built around you my advice would be to let it go. Set yourself free. Yes, there is pain. Mistakes will be made. Yes, perhaps you will hurt someone. And perhaps the forgiveness you seek will not be given. Yes, sometimes you will trust those you should not. Yes sometimes life will feel pointless and you will not want to continue on.

But that mindset is wrong. There is so much good, so much kindness, and so many opportunities to understand the “why” of the choices that people make. Building a cage might keep out the bad, which it won’t even though you feel it does. It will only cheat you on the positive side of life.

I can’t force you to believe me. The choice is and will always be yours to make. But you should always know that someone loves you. No matter how unworthy you are. Just like that little girl did for me.

Please don’t build a cage. I promise you it’s a trap.