Lonely doesn’t mean unloved
All the memories
Being back here brings up a lot of memories. The memories of being so lonely. Memories that aren’t the best. Not all are melancholy. Many are though. Because I’m reminded of a time when I truly felt alone. No one understood. All of a sudden I wasn’t where I used to be health-wise. I quickly found myself at the urgent care multiple times a month. Sometimes, multiple times a week. I had EKGs performed. I was tested for worms. My blood was being drawn sometimes twice in a visit. I had to wear a heart monitor. I was tested for anxiety and depression. More than one doctor wasn’t kind to me. I was nauseous, dizzy, weak, enduring what felt like heart palpations, developing new symptoms constantly, but most of all scared. Everything was coming back negative. I was losing so much weight from only being able to eat applesauce and oatmeal. I lived off of the stuff for almost a year.
The fake truth hurts too
Month after month, no answers. During this time the only thing these doctors found wrong with me was low potassium. (I did eventually find a doctor that took me seriously and helped me find answers, just so you know.) They kept insisting I was pregnant. Attention-seeking. A hypochondriac (never said to my face but that was the general vibe🙁.) People started becoming meaner and meaner towards me. I knew they were gossiping behind my back. It hurt so much to know what was being said about me. Things like..
- She’s faking
- She’s a user
- She just wants a sugar daddy ( I had worked 2 jobs for the majority of the last 2 years and only quit when I became ill. Anyone who knows me knows I am stubbornly independent. The gossip was just that. Gossip. But it still hurt.)
- It’s all in her head
- She’s having some sort of life crisis
- Put her on antidepressants
- To my boyfriend- you should dump her
Through it all there were about a handful of people who never said or treated me like that. I didn’t live super close to most of them. And with my guy gone working 12-hour night shifts – the only person of my lifeline system I had readily available in-person access to, my new reality became just trying to make it through the day. And slowly, ever so slowly I became more and more lonely. Which lead to me beginning to feel unloved.
Why do I feel like this?
It was easier to think the people around me didn’t care. I convinced myself that they didn’t. Now don’t get me wrong, I knew people absolutely 1000 and 10 percent cared. I had my parents, my guy, some extended family, and a few close friends who month after month they showed up and helped however they could. Whether it was talking over the phone, letting me come visit, building me a garden, carrying me outside and holding me in their arms as they walked up and down the sidewalk so I could “take a walk”, or still inviting me out, I knew I was loved. But it was still easier to think I wasn’t.
Why did I feel so lonely and so forgotten at times if I was loved? It’s wasn’t the kind of lonely where I wish for more attention. It’s was the kind of lonely that comes from being too introverted. Or rather, too stuck in your own head. From feeling washed up and ragged. Knowing you’re not where you wanted to be.
No, it definitely didn’t have anything to do with the people around me. But everything to do with me.
It was my own individual path to walk. Yes of course I had tons of help. But at some parts, the road was too narrow for another to pass through with me. I had to walk alone during those parts. It’s like when you first learn to ride a bike. Eventually, whoever was holding the back of the seat lets go, and you’re on your own ready or not.
Isolation kills
To be blatantly honest, I still feel lonely all the time. It still cuts deep. The difference is now I know me feeling lonely doesn’t mean I’m unloved. And I can be loved but still feel lonely. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me. Just that I’m trying to figure things out.
Nowadays when that pesky feeling creeps in there are a couple of things I do.
- Remind someone I love them. Whether that’s through a text, a phone call, setting up a time to meet up. Being around someone you care about helps (me at least) serve as a remind that they care about you too.
- Write. Everyone has their thing. Writing for me helps with processing why I’m feeling the way I feel. It helps me think clearer.
- Mentally make a list of all my favorite memories. I know this one might seem weird but those memories are usually made with people you care about and you usually don’t have favorite memories that include you being lonely. It’s a reminder of the good and hope that things will be that good or better soon.
Sure, doing these things isn’t a cure-all. But, isolation will kill you. And I know that the loneliness and feeling like no one loves you doesn’t just happen once in a lifetime. However, I have found that they help.
Remember, lonely doesn’t mean unloved.
-Kay
P.S. If you would like to read more about my perception of what real love looks like, you can do so here.
