Come Back Be Here

What just happened? Come back

Have you ever wondered what happened to you? Everything thing was going great. You’d just established your footing and were moving quickly in the direction you wanted to go. But then… an obstacle leaves you screeching to a halt in your tracks. All the ground you gained suddenly is gone in an instant. Leaving you wishing the footing you used to have would come back.

I can imagine everyone going through that at least once in their lifetime. I don’t know about you but for me, it happens all the time.

What’s funny though, is the fact that for the most part, I’m treading water far too long before I wake up and realize I’m not going anywhere.

What usually slaps me in my face is music.

Pretenses

It’s no secret that I LOVE Taylor Swift. I’ve been listening to her music for as long as I can remember. What started off as a romantic phase, listening to her lyrics because they were cute or insanely sassy, turned into a real connection. Those songs (mainly her older ones) turned into my outlets. They expressed exactly how I was feeling. Something that’s so hard to do.

Depending on what was going on in my life the same song could mean one thing one day and something entirely different the next.

I was listening to Swift’s Come back be here under the pretense that I missed a friend. Only to find that’s not at all why I kept hitting replay.

While I really did miss that person, who I missed more was the old me.

A little background for ya.

Fall that year had everything almost everything (still haven’t seen leaves turned orange and red) I’d ever dreamed of.

The brisk cold air. Sprinklings of snow. Hot chocolate dusted with cinnamon. New friends and crazy little impromptu adventures.  And winter was even better….until it wasn’t.

This happy, content person I used to be was erased so slowly I almost didn’t realize it.

Naive as I was (and still am) I had unintentionally drained myself emotionally.

Trying to regain the footing lost, I turned on Pandora. Listening to the same songs over and over again “singing” along.  I’m sure I drove everyone around me nuts.

I cried a lot. I just wanted to grab who I was 2 months ago look her in her eyes and say, “I need you here. Now. Come back. Be here. Cause I can’t do this.”

Unfortunately, things don’t work that way.

Because once the old you is gone they’re gone forever. There’s no way to undo the experiences you’ve gone through since then.

It’s a little disheartening at times.

What I’ve learned

The lyrics, “If I had known what I know now, I never would have played so nonchalant.” Summed up those fall and winter months in a sentence.

So where to go from here? If only I knew.  I’ve gone through this cycle repetitively the last couple of years. Obviously, I still have much to learn. But so far this is what I’ve come to know.

1. Pick yourself up and put yourself back together. You can’t and shouldn’t let yourself crumble because of one trial.
2. You’re never gonna be the same. We constantly are changing from day to day. So,
3. Stop waiting for your old self. Make a new, better version of you.
4. It’s ok to not have a footing in life as long as you never give up trying to find one.
5. Things fall apart. It happens all the time. If you want them to come together roll up your sleeves and get to work.
6. Don’t let yourself be the victim. Yes, stuff will happen to you that’s out of your control but someone said life is about 10% what happens to you and 90% how you choose to react. And I believe them.

And don’t forget to be kind to yourself. You’re doing better than you know.

-Kay