The List
It’s personal
When I started Kay’s Impressions I made a list of promises I would keep.
- I promised myself I’d open up. (Something I hate doing.)
- I promised myself I’d become vulnerable on the outside (scary) and invincible on the inside.
Keeping those promises isn’t easy. Especially when it comes to sharing something like this.
Years were spent burying these feelings. Hiding them and telling myself that I wasn’t bothered by them. Why dig them back up?
Because I know how badly it hurts to bottle everything up. Because these issues don’t go away until you’ve dealt with them. And because I hope that by sharing somehow someway, I might be able to help someone else.
Let’s get started before I lose my nerve: Shall we?
The first list
I came across a list I had written. Don’t ask when or how long ago I wrote it. There wasn’t a date included. The title was scribbled out in curly Q circles. I don’t remember writing it.
Reading through was appalling.
- I’m uninteresting.”
- “I don’t know me.”
- I can accomplish things, but only if there’s a reward that profits me.”
- “I’m a sassy, rude, dysfunctional person who hurts others and without meaning to tears them down so they’ll stop hurting me.”
- “I have no sense of tact.”
- “I have to be right. Always. It’s how I convince myself I’m important, smart, necessary.”
- Broken
- Damaged
- Bruised
- Ornery,
- Unloveable
- Defensive
- And lastly- written in big bold letters- EXPENDABLE.”
And the list goes on….for three more pages.
I think at the time I was trying to get things off my chest without actually talking to someone.
Hollow and full
In retrospect, I can’t believe how poorly I thought of myself. On the other hand things, I listed like,” I don’t know me.”, and “dramatic” are true. As much as I wish they weren’t.
I spend a lot of time filled to the brim with negative emotions about myself. With things, I think deep down I know I could change but don’t want to put forth the effort. Impute can be my best friend. How else am I going to live in a hollow facade of complacent security?
That list was things I hated and sometimes still find myself, hating about myself. Those things on that list are some of my biggest fears, insecurities, and worst nightmares. And to this day they are my biggest roadblocks.
Hiding from our list
I stop myself from progressing because I’m terrified of what other people think of me. Because I’m afraid that no matter how hard I try I will always fall short. Never measure up. That I live in a world that doesn’t have a place for me.
But of course, heaven forbid that anyone knows that.
And I would say I’m not the only one who feels like that.
When you turn up the music so you don’t have to finish a conversation about yourself.
Or are always making jokes to avoid having meaningful interactions that might, just maybe, help you discover something you would like to change about yourself.
Or don’t allow yourself to dream because what’s the point?
I think it’s pretty easy to see we’re hurting. But we hide from our list. Our list of things we hate about yourselves. The list of things that left us unhealed. Our lists of the negativity we choose to believe.
It’s human to want to be accepted. It’s human to want to be loved.
Yet we tear ourselves down. We can’t let others love us. How could they if we don’t even love ourselves? How could they ever see anything worthwhile in us? We don’t see it. No, we won’t open up because we either won’t be understood or we won’t have trusted the right people.
We’re pretty brutal to ourselves; don’t ya think?
The lesson
The take away I’m trying to leave here is that we all have insecurities. We all have mannerisms and characteristics we don’t like about ourselves. We’re all afraid of not being accepted.
But if we hide away how we’re feeling: If we sit by and do nothing to change how we’re feeling, we’ve already let our nightmares and fears win.
So maybe I don’t know who I am just yet or where I fit in this world. Maybe I am dramatic. But that’s ok. I will be a little bit better each day. I will be as fearless as I can and I will do my best to be the version of me I want to be. Knowing that if I keep those promises God will make up the difference.
And I promise it’s the same for you.
-Kay
